Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
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Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.