date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
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We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds