Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
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You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
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