@duplicitron: Someone left a really nice couch out on the street so I went home and got a lamp and TV and this is where I live now.
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@GreatestWeight: I can't come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh's soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I'LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
@smedlee: The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.
@KalvinMacleod: Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There's more sweater on their sweater already.
@Bedlam_Beersie: Jesus: ... when you saw only one set of footprints, that's when I was carrying you. Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints? Jesus: I didn't want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.