i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
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[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
No regrets in 2018
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter