@duplicitron: Someone left a really nice couch out on the street so I went home and got a lamp and TV and this is where I live now.
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@murrman5: [at divorce lawyer] bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen "he didn't" he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
@rebrafsim: [reading of my will] My son: his shoes!? Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
@AnOrangeSNES: If you're out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.