@timdonakowski: Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
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@goldengateblond: You know when someone's all "ugh this smells terrible" and they want you to smell it too? That's what sharing political news is like lately.
@Reverend_Scott: [job interview] How would you improve our business? "Dude, I'd bankrupt you in a week. I'm just catchin Pokemon in your office."
@howe007: If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you're a wizard.
@Swishergirl24: I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.