@timdonakowski: Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz "we don't have time to get arrested" if you're looking for a parenting role model.
@CulturedRuffian: Waiter: Did you save room for dessert? Me: Not really, I'm stuffed Waiter: Ok, I'll bring the check Me: I'll have the chocolate cake.
@julieklausner: If I were Santa Claus, I'd have my agent be like "He's not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car."