@timdonakowski: Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
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@Underchilde: They say they’re free weights, but the gym gets pissed if you put them in your car and leave.
@shkeeber: *cape flaps in the wind* Me: Are you ready to defend freedom for another day, Captain K? Mom: Quit blocking the fan and put the cat down.
@edanto_: Your girlfriend is so good in bed but can't do house chores. When your relatives complain you be like "You guys don't know her very well"
@SCbchbum: I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.