Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
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I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.