scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
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ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”