*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
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The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”