Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
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FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.