@TheBoydP: Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
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@papasuncle: [commercial] "Is there a dull film on your dishes?" Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
@kyle_thatisall: The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons "Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain" she whispers
@teeaysmith: To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
@SpacePlankton: *watches movie* *sees a scene with full frontal male nudity* *pauses for three months*