Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
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Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”