Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
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Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Labreador
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount