Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
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Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Worst bar ever.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.