Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
You Might Also Like
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)