*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
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[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Jurassic park gets weird
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.