Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
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Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.