Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
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This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.