My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
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“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
According to math, I’m broke
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
taking June’s advice to heart
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance