UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
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Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
When the stylist spins you back around
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped