@AGreaterMonster: Someone stole my car from the Target parking lot, but fortunately they returned it at 11:00 pm when it was the only car left in the lot.
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@iwearaonesie: a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with 'her'
@awkwardlyours: There should be a safe word for small talk: "So how about this weather we're hav -" "RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA."
@Matt_The_1st: I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
@Dschnoeb: Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can't love me at my bad jokes, you don't deserve me at my cat photos.