@AGreaterMonster: Someone stole my car from the Target parking lot, but fortunately they returned it at 11:00 pm when it was the only car left in the lot.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@SaltyCorpse: When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions. Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.
@KalvinMacleod: As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
@FrenulumBreve: [Witness Protection Program] So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it'll be to blend into your new- BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
@max_pad21: I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: "What do you do at a red light?" Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."