Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
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“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
🐕🍷
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.