doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
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This raises questions
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
my professor scared me for a second
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.