[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
You Might Also Like
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
This will never not be funny to me.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Me buying fruit and veg
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.