she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
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what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Love this one 😂🧟
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Peace was never an option
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.