Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
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I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant