@slaughthie: Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz "you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari" which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
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@WhiteFolkProbs: Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
@TheTweetOfGod: When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you've been using Apple Maps.
@ArfMeasures: ME: I worked at a zoo for a while THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that? ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
@ItsAndyRyan: Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke? Duck: Please address me as 'M'llard'