@slaughthie: Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz "you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari" which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
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@KeetPotato: doctor: "is there anything that runs in the family?" wife: "hm not really" me: "the dog jogs a lot"
@kamtweeting: There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
@RxitWounds: *Power goes out* Wife: I can't see! *Shoes light up* Me: Ha! Whose shoes were "a waste of money" & "clearly meant for a large child" now?!
@TellingTellers: An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.