Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
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The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop