Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
You Might Also Like
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.