So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
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Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
My beach vacation Google searches