Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you