@joshgondelman: Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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@NervousJr: There's awkward, and then there's listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.
@Brianhopecomedy: I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
@eyeswidebutt: [hanging out w mob] "Tony sleeps with the fishes" *they all laugh* [self conscious about my sexual habits w fish]: its not a big deal guys
@AllanCresswell: Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?