Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo