stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
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[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
The Struggle
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
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[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.