“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
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NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Bros before Ohioes
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Breaking news:
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.