If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
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May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
you gotta be faster
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
selena gomez
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.