Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
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I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN