@goonxiety: Someone's only cute till they leave one of your texts on read.
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@FuckabillyRex: Instead of a post-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
@goodersuk74: I got a new stick of deoderant. Instructions said: 'remove cap & push up bottom'. I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely
@TheTweetOfGod: NEW EXPRESSIONS "Kanye bless you." "Kanye damn it!" "One nation, under Kanye." "Thank Kanye Almighty!" "The Kanyefather, Part II"
@YUCKYBOT: "By night's end, one of these teams will be the victor." Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.