@goonxiety: Someone's only cute till they leave one of your texts on read.
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@TheTimmyToes: [on the way to the hospital] GF: "let me get this straight. You thoug-" Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
@aka_fatman: Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill - I will show you the Matrix.
@lazerdoov: I bought "extra whitening" toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
@smithsara79: Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher* My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would've happened if you drank more water