Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
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NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
what the hell pray for carter everyone
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.