Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
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Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go