Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
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Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*