Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
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They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*