Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
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“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too