[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
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The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*