something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
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I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
They got Raph!
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
The dark side of Canada
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.