Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
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There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
my mind
You just read my mind
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.