In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
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It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh