Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
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Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Golf would be better with landmines.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Why I divorced her.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.