Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
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I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
smh
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.