Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
You Might Also Like
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Beauty and the Beast
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.