@TheTweetOfGod: Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
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@squirrel74wkgn: In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
@realHamOnWry: *unexpected snow fall* Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!” Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket"
@KKAlThani: Next time you're not feeling hungry, tell yourself you're going on a diet in an hour & you'll unleash the starving African child inside you.
@PajamaBen_: *dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*