Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
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It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.