The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
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Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
79.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Them: Just act casual
Me:
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.