Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
You Might Also Like
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Bloody internet 😳
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead