Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
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I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Go hard or stay average
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.