Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
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genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox