Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
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National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant