Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
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Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
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