Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
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*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10