@ActuallyEmerson: Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
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@WheelTod: My 4yo asked me where people go when they die. I told her: "I don't know, but it wouldn't hurt to check under your bed last thing at night."
@iwearaonesie: wife: You're going to work like that? me: Yeah, it's casual day [20 minutes later] me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
@DesecratedJewel: Co-worker: How are you today? Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
@petemandik: I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.